Self-Reflection? or Self-Sabotage?

If you're looking for an update on the T-Amp rebox/Podzuma, or for commentary on "Luann", I hate to disappoint...but I have something on my mind, and I need to exorcise it, even if no one reads it.

In about 29 days, I'm going to test for my Recommended black belt, and about 17 days after that, my Decided (1st degree) black belt in Songahm Tae Kwon Do. If I go forward with it, I'll be testing for my black belt at the same time as my brother and daughter. I've spent the past nearly-a-year learning the form I'll test with, and I attend on average about 8 classes a week. Most importantly to some, I spend nearly $300 a month for classes for my daughter and I.

So, you're thinking to yourself, why the "if"? You've paid for this in your sweat, your effort, your money, and even your bones. You've certainly earned a reward for that! And I have, but is the right reward a black belt? Would I really be accepting a bullshit belt?

Now, I know I've learned a lot in the past two years, and I'm much more physically capable than I used to be. There's no reason to believe I can't and won't continue to improve. But, my kicks (at least, the ones I can even do) are just barely above belt level...there is almost no chance that I'll earn points in a sparring match...and my technique looks every bit as bad as you'd expect from a 342-pound, 6'1" tall, short-legged-and-long-torsoed man.

Am I black belt material? Even in the ATA? I mean, I've seen some abysmal practitioners get awarded their belts over the past two years. I've seen some phenomenal practitioners get theirs. I've literally seen women whose axe-kicks wouldn't threaten anything taller than a springer spaniel pass, with a cheering section, no less. I've seen Juniors get "No Change" with better forms and sparring technique than the rat-kicker. I have no doubt that my fellow students (such as would attend) would cheer me on, proud of my perseverance, if slightly embarrassed for me about my skill. I could probably even manage to feel like I'd earned it, at the time.

But what would I have earned? Would I really feel like I was on a par with people like B, or B, or J, or even J or G (who are both technically "behind" me)? I'm certainly no threat at tournaments, not even at the events I think I'm decent at, like forms and weapons, and I doubt it'll get better once I join the 40-49 Men's Black Belt rings.

I want my black belt to mean something. I want it to be indicative of a certain level of skill and prowess, not just a milestone reached by shedding enough sweat and forking over enough cash.

My friend S seemed very impressed that T and I are about to earn our black belts, and I could tell he envisioned a lot higher skill level than I'm likely to gain in the next 45 or so days. When I'm honest with myself, I envisioned being more capable myself, so I feel kinda like a fraud.

Of course, it may be that Senior Master S and Mrs. S (the school owners) score leniently on people who only want to earn up to black belt and go no further, and heaven knows they don't consider color belt students to be worth their time (or for that matter, anyone who's not fast-tracking to a championship), but I think it sullies the belt. We try to teach our Juniors and Tiny Tigers to respect their belts...that their belt is a symbol of their hard work and skill. We reinforce that by having them line up by rank. Higher rank belts are supposed to be higher-caliber practitioners, more worthy of respect. Supposed to be. But even our black belt Juniors half-ass their way through things, seemingly marking time, just waiting for this part of their daily routine to be over.

I'm sure I have other tangents to go off on, but that covers most of it. And I still don't know what I'm going to do after August 19. Am I going to bust my ass to get 24 classes in 17 days, and test on September 5? Or am I going to wait to test until I feel like I've earned the belt I'd be getting through skill, rather than simply not giving up? And if I do sit out the testing, am I simply holding myself to a higher standard, or am I insulting my friends and fellow students by implying that they should hold themselves to that same standard?

Thanks for letting me vent. Obviously, this space is where the final result will be found.