Rules For Traffic

1. Clear the frakkin' intersection! Seriously, if you're turning, and you've got the protected arrow, get your happy ass through the intersection and finish the turn. The rest of us are waiting. If you're waiting for a break in oncoming traffic to sneak through unprotected, then do it. If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly. And for cripe's sake, don't STOP in the middle of your turn!
2. If you're in a right-on-red state, and you're at a multi-lane intersection, and you're planning to go straight, get out of the right-hand lane. Those of use that ARE turning right don't want to be caught behind your mini-maxing butt because you couldn't stand to be second in line through the light.
3. Running your car up my ass will absolutely NOT make me go any faster, particularly if I'm in a more rightward lane. In fact, I'll probably slow down a bit, just to piss you off. I see you in the rearview, and if I'm in the left lane passing something, I'll get over just as soon as I can. If there are slow cars in front of me, there's really nothing I can do about it, jackass, so relax and wait it out with the rest of us.
4. Lane changes are not for the timid, and are not a mini-sightseeing tour of the highway. Find your gap, signal your intent, and then get the job done already. Taking thousands of feet to cross the lane divider is dangerous and stupid.
5. If you DO run your car up my ass to get me out of your way, and I move over, get your butt on down the road. I will not play the "let's trade places" game. I'm also not going to be your lead block. I don't run with a radar detector, so getting behind me and doing what I do will not really get you anything. In fact, if I suspect that you're dogging me, I will make it a point to switch to the opposite lane every time you do, so that you're NOT directly behind me for more than a split second.
6. If there's a traffic slowdown right where you want to be, man up and get in line. Do not speed up to the head of the line and then cut in like some idiot third-grade bully. You'll get there, and you're probably not in any bigger an actual hurry than the rest of us, you're just a jackass.
7. If you're doing something else while you're driving (talking on your cel without a headset, texting, downloading porn on your Crackberry, nursing a baby, playing guitar, whatever), pull off the goddamn road. You're a danger to yourself and others. If you're so attached to your dog that they have to ride in the driver's seat with you, consider hiring a chauffer so you and the dog can have some quality time together.
8. If you're slower traffic, keep right. If you're one of those sanctimonious asses who believes its their job to police everyone else's speed, find another frakkin' hobby. It's not aboslute speed that causes accidents, it's the difference in relative speed that causes the problem. If the rest of traffic is doing 70, and you're dumbassing along at 55 in the left lane, you're going to get some dirty looks, at best.
9. If you're getting on the highway, speed up while you're on the entrance ramp, to smoothly enter your chosen gap (you did locate a gap on the way down the ramp, right?). If you're getting off the highway, slow down after you pull onto the ramp, unless there's a specific decelleration lane. In either event, get your self-important butt out of the flow of traffic before you drastically change speed or direction.
10. If you're on a motorcycle, stop acting like a privileged, spoiled brat. Car versus motorcycle is never scored as a win for the motorcycle. Maintain a space cushion, signal your intent, move with traffic, and cut out the damn traffic weaving. We're all very impressed with your hog, but if you're gonna act like a douchebag, you'll probably end up in a bodybag.
11. Conversely, if you're behind a motorcycle, give them some respect. In an emergency, their brakes will stop them a lot quicker than yours will you, so unless you like vehicular manslaughter on your record and bits of human being for a hood ornament, back off.
12. Do not, under any circumstances, jack with the big rigs. Yeah, they're slower than you, and they have an obnoxious habit of blocking passing lanes because they're going 0.00005 mph faster than the rig in front of them, but your chances of surviving a wreck involving you and a tractor-trailer are roughly equal to those of the motorcyclist in #10 and #11. Get around them quickly, and just leave them alone.