I am sooooo frakking tired of...
...everything.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Self-Reflection? or Self-Sabotage?
If you're looking for an update on the T-Amp rebox/Podzuma, or for commentary on "Luann", I hate to disappoint...but I have something on my mind, and I need to exorcise it, even if no one reads it.
In about 29 days, I'm going to test for my Recommended black belt, and about 17 days after that, my Decided (1st degree) black belt in Songahm Tae Kwon Do. If I go forward with it, I'll be testing for my black belt at the same time as my brother and daughter. I've spent the past nearly-a-year learning the form I'll test with, and I attend on average about 8 classes a week. Most importantly to some, I spend nearly $300 a month for classes for my daughter and I.
So, you're thinking to yourself, why the "if"? You've paid for this in your sweat, your effort, your money, and even your bones. You've certainly earned a reward for that! And I have, but is the right reward a black belt? Would I really be accepting a bullshit belt?
Now, I know I've learned a lot in the past two years, and I'm much more physically capable than I used to be. There's no reason to believe I can't and won't continue to improve. But, my kicks (at least, the ones I can even do) are just barely above belt level...there is almost no chance that I'll earn points in a sparring match...and my technique looks every bit as bad as you'd expect from a 342-pound, 6'1" tall, short-legged-and-long-torsoed man.
Am I black belt material? Even in the ATA? I mean, I've seen some abysmal practitioners get awarded their belts over the past two years. I've seen some phenomenal practitioners get theirs. I've literally seen women whose axe-kicks wouldn't threaten anything taller than a springer spaniel pass, with a cheering section, no less. I've seen Juniors get "No Change" with better forms and sparring technique than the rat-kicker. I have no doubt that my fellow students (such as would attend) would cheer me on, proud of my perseverance, if slightly embarrassed for me about my skill. I could probably even manage to feel like I'd earned it, at the time.
But what would I have earned? Would I really feel like I was on a par with people like B, or B, or J, or even J or G (who are both technically "behind" me)? I'm certainly no threat at tournaments, not even at the events I think I'm decent at, like forms and weapons, and I doubt it'll get better once I join the 40-49 Men's Black Belt rings.
I want my black belt to mean something. I want it to be indicative of a certain level of skill and prowess, not just a milestone reached by shedding enough sweat and forking over enough cash.
My friend S seemed very impressed that T and I are about to earn our black belts, and I could tell he envisioned a lot higher skill level than I'm likely to gain in the next 45 or so days. When I'm honest with myself, I envisioned being more capable myself, so I feel kinda like a fraud.
Of course, it may be that Senior Master S and Mrs. S (the school owners) score leniently on people who only want to earn up to black belt and go no further, and heaven knows they don't consider color belt students to be worth their time (or for that matter, anyone who's not fast-tracking to a championship), but I think it sullies the belt. We try to teach our Juniors and Tiny Tigers to respect their belts...that their belt is a symbol of their hard work and skill. We reinforce that by having them line up by rank. Higher rank belts are supposed to be higher-caliber practitioners, more worthy of respect. Supposed to be. But even our black belt Juniors half-ass their way through things, seemingly marking time, just waiting for this part of their daily routine to be over.
I'm sure I have other tangents to go off on, but that covers most of it. And I still don't know what I'm going to do after August 19. Am I going to bust my ass to get 24 classes in 17 days, and test on September 5? Or am I going to wait to test until I feel like I've earned the belt I'd be getting through skill, rather than simply not giving up? And if I do sit out the testing, am I simply holding myself to a higher standard, or am I insulting my friends and fellow students by implying that they should hold themselves to that same standard?
Thanks for letting me vent. Obviously, this space is where the final result will be found.
In about 29 days, I'm going to test for my Recommended black belt, and about 17 days after that, my Decided (1st degree) black belt in Songahm Tae Kwon Do. If I go forward with it, I'll be testing for my black belt at the same time as my brother and daughter. I've spent the past nearly-a-year learning the form I'll test with, and I attend on average about 8 classes a week. Most importantly to some, I spend nearly $300 a month for classes for my daughter and I.
So, you're thinking to yourself, why the "if"? You've paid for this in your sweat, your effort, your money, and even your bones. You've certainly earned a reward for that! And I have, but is the right reward a black belt? Would I really be accepting a bullshit belt?
Now, I know I've learned a lot in the past two years, and I'm much more physically capable than I used to be. There's no reason to believe I can't and won't continue to improve. But, my kicks (at least, the ones I can even do) are just barely above belt level...there is almost no chance that I'll earn points in a sparring match...and my technique looks every bit as bad as you'd expect from a 342-pound, 6'1" tall, short-legged-and-long-torsoed man.
Am I black belt material? Even in the ATA? I mean, I've seen some abysmal practitioners get awarded their belts over the past two years. I've seen some phenomenal practitioners get theirs. I've literally seen women whose axe-kicks wouldn't threaten anything taller than a springer spaniel pass, with a cheering section, no less. I've seen Juniors get "No Change" with better forms and sparring technique than the rat-kicker. I have no doubt that my fellow students (such as would attend) would cheer me on, proud of my perseverance, if slightly embarrassed for me about my skill. I could probably even manage to feel like I'd earned it, at the time.
But what would I have earned? Would I really feel like I was on a par with people like B, or B, or J, or even J or G (who are both technically "behind" me)? I'm certainly no threat at tournaments, not even at the events I think I'm decent at, like forms and weapons, and I doubt it'll get better once I join the 40-49 Men's Black Belt rings.
I want my black belt to mean something. I want it to be indicative of a certain level of skill and prowess, not just a milestone reached by shedding enough sweat and forking over enough cash.
My friend S seemed very impressed that T and I are about to earn our black belts, and I could tell he envisioned a lot higher skill level than I'm likely to gain in the next 45 or so days. When I'm honest with myself, I envisioned being more capable myself, so I feel kinda like a fraud.
Of course, it may be that Senior Master S and Mrs. S (the school owners) score leniently on people who only want to earn up to black belt and go no further, and heaven knows they don't consider color belt students to be worth their time (or for that matter, anyone who's not fast-tracking to a championship), but I think it sullies the belt. We try to teach our Juniors and Tiny Tigers to respect their belts...that their belt is a symbol of their hard work and skill. We reinforce that by having them line up by rank. Higher rank belts are supposed to be higher-caliber practitioners, more worthy of respect. Supposed to be. But even our black belt Juniors half-ass their way through things, seemingly marking time, just waiting for this part of their daily routine to be over.
I'm sure I have other tangents to go off on, but that covers most of it. And I still don't know what I'm going to do after August 19. Am I going to bust my ass to get 24 classes in 17 days, and test on September 5? Or am I going to wait to test until I feel like I've earned the belt I'd be getting through skill, rather than simply not giving up? And if I do sit out the testing, am I simply holding myself to a higher standard, or am I insulting my friends and fellow students by implying that they should hold themselves to that same standard?
Thanks for letting me vent. Obviously, this space is where the final result will be found.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Rules For Traffic
- Clear the frakkin' intersection! Seriously, if you're turning, and you've got the protected arrow, get your happy ass through the intersection and finish the turn. The rest of us are waiting. If you're waiting for a break in oncoming traffic to sneak through unprotected, then do it. If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly. And for cripe's sake, don't STOP in the middle of your turn!
- If you're in a right-on-red state, and you're at a multi-lane intersection, and you're planning to go straight, get out of the right-hand lane. Those of use that ARE turning right don't want to be caught behind your mini-maxing butt because you couldn't stand to be second in line through the light.
- Running your car up my ass will absolutely NOT make me go any faster, particularly if I'm in a more rightward lane. In fact, I'll probably slow down a bit, just to piss you off. I see you in the rearview, and if I'm in the left lane passing something, I'll get over just as soon as I can. If there are slow cars in front of me, there's really nothing I can do about it, jackass, so relax and wait it out with the rest of us.
- Lane changes are not for the timid, and are not a mini-sightseeing tour of the highway. Find your gap, signal your intent, and then get the job done already. Taking thousands of feet to cross the lane divider is dangerous and stupid.
- If you DO run your car up my ass to get me out of your way, and I move over, get your butt on down the road. I will not play the "let's trade places" game. I'm also not going to be your lead block. I don't run with a radar detector, so getting behind me and doing what I do will not really get you anything. In fact, if I suspect that you're dogging me, I will make it a point to switch to the opposite lane every time you do, so that you're NOT directly behind me for more than a split second.
- If there's a traffic slowdown right where you want to be, man up and get in line. Do not speed up to the head of the line and then cut in like some idiot third-grade bully. You'll get there, and you're probably not in any bigger an actual hurry than the rest of us, you're just a jackass.
- If you're doing something else while you're driving (talking on your cel without a headset, texting, downloading porn on your Crackberry, nursing a baby, playing guitar, whatever), pull off the goddamn road. You're a danger to yourself and others. If you're so attached to your dog that they have to ride in the driver's seat with you, consider hiring a chauffer so you and the dog can have some quality time together.
- If you're slower traffic, keep right. If you're one of those sanctimonious asses who believes its their job to police everyone else's speed, find another frakkin' hobby. It's not aboslute speed that causes accidents, it's the difference in relative speed that causes the problem. If the rest of traffic is doing 70, and you're dumbassing along at 55 in the left lane, you're going to get some dirty looks, at best.
- If you're getting on the highway, speed up while you're on the entrance ramp, to smoothly enter your chosen gap (you did locate a gap on the way down the ramp, right?). If you're getting off the highway, slow down after you pull onto the ramp, unless there's a specific decelleration lane. In either event, get your self-important butt out of the flow of traffic before you drastically change speed or direction.
- If you're on a motorcycle, stop acting like a privileged, spoiled brat. Car versus motorcycle is never scored as a win for the motorcycle. Maintain a space cushion, signal your intent, move with traffic, and cut out the damn traffic weaving. We're all very impressed with your hog, but if you're gonna act like a douchebag, you'll probably end up in a bodybag.
- Conversely, if you're behind a motorcycle, give them some respect. In an emergency, their brakes will stop them a lot quicker than yours will you, so unless you like vehicular manslaughter on your record and bits of human being for a hood ornament, back off.
- Do not, under any circumstances, jack with the big rigs. Yeah, they're slower than you, and they have an obnoxious habit of blocking passing lanes because they're going 0.00005 mph faster than the rig in front of them, but your chances of surviving a wreck involving you and a tractor-trailer are roughly equal to those of the motorcyclist in #10 and #11. Get around them quickly, and just leave them alone.
Reboxing the T-Amp: Stay Tuned
Okay, the kiddo's at camp, the ex is outta my hair, and the usual suspects are in Atlanta competing in a tournament, so it looks like I have a more-or-less free weekend coming up. At the very least, I'll get the long-promised pics and stats of the Cheapzuma and the in-the-midst-of-redoing Podzuma up, and maybe even get some time in on the T-Amp rebox.
Unless I decide to sleep in a lot.
Unless I decide to sleep in a lot.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Burning Down The House
My, my...where *was* TJ going all pimpadelic-looking?
Of course, we all know that I'm a Brad fan, because Brad is me, with a better writer. I loved that Toni volunteered to let Brad stay at her place while the house was fixed, and I loved even more that she totally turned TJ down, emphasizing that it was a Brad-only offer. So Brad hangs at the station most of the time, TJ's staying with the DeGroots, and more than ever, Brad and Toni are...well...Brad and Toni.
I'm sure there'll be some Evans-esque twist to the TJ angle. He's almost certainly not a drug dealer (just because Mom and Dad DeGroot are so worried about that eventuality), and it'll probably turn out to be something completely above-board. My money's on TJ's source of income being a dance instructor. He's already shown us he's a pretty good cook (though he needs to work on his kitchen-fire instincts), so why not have him be a good dancer too? Not that there's anything wrong with that... On the other hand, his talent for minor scammery (illustrated by the firefighter meals scheme with Tiffany) doesn't rule out something less honest, but I doubt it's anything truly illegal.
Of course, we all know that I'm a Brad fan, because Brad is me, with a better writer. I loved that Toni volunteered to let Brad stay at her place while the house was fixed, and I loved even more that she totally turned TJ down, emphasizing that it was a Brad-only offer. So Brad hangs at the station most of the time, TJ's staying with the DeGroots, and more than ever, Brad and Toni are...well...Brad and Toni.
I'm sure there'll be some Evans-esque twist to the TJ angle. He's almost certainly not a drug dealer (just because Mom and Dad DeGroot are so worried about that eventuality), and it'll probably turn out to be something completely above-board. My money's on TJ's source of income being a dance instructor. He's already shown us he's a pretty good cook (though he needs to work on his kitchen-fire instincts), so why not have him be a good dancer too? Not that there's anything wrong with that... On the other hand, his talent for minor scammery (illustrated by the firefighter meals scheme with Tiffany) doesn't rule out something less honest, but I doubt it's anything truly illegal.
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